A lot of us grow up believing that thoughts are automatic and that the ones we do not like need to be squashed, overridden, or beaten down. This point of view creates a sense of helplessness, as though thoughts simply attack us and we are stuck reacting to them. It’s also a bit like saying your car has an automatic check-engine light that flips on for no reason.
In real life, that light activates because something specific in the system needs attention. Thoughts arise the same way. They come from somewhere. That “somewhere” is more like an internal mini someone or someones: The internal cast of characters often called parts.
Rather than a mono-mind view, contemporary neuroscience and psychology understand multiplicity of mind. We have different parts that can take center stage within our system. Each part speaks based on nervous system state, personal history, and what it believes is needed to keep you safe (or otherwise be of help to you). There is also a part that is not a part, often referred to by different appellations e.g. True Self, Self, and so forth.
When you try to “squash” thoughts, kill the ants, conquer the saboteur, or slay the dragon, are you achieving inner harmony? Or are you helpless to a never ending internal game of whack-a-mole?
Can I interest you in inner harmony instead? I really like an analogy I used in my Stop Declaring (Internal) Wars post: Trying to exterminate “negative thoughts” without tending to the body state (and the protective parts generating them) is like yelling at the fire alarm instead of tending to the fire.
These parts are going to try to help/”help” you (where the quotes indicate their help is not actually helpful) no matter what. This mostly likely me: They’ll be back!
This never-ending whack-a-mole game is pitting one part of you against another.
What actually works (and works quicker) than the whack-a-mole option? Here are three tips to try! These tips will help you put S.Q.U.A.S.H. into action: Step back, Query, Attend, Sync, and Harmonize.
Tip 1: Relating to Your Personality Parts
Personality parts models help you S.Q.U.A.S.H. by guiding you to step back, pause, listen, understand, stay present with parts, coordinate next steps, and support inner harmony under True Self leadership. I like to think of this as: Inner teamwork makes the dream work! And, as I look at my parts, I ask: Are they behaving like the 3 Musketeers or the 3 Stooges?
Our parts always have the best of intentions. The outcomes sometimes… not so much. Evidence-backed IFS tells us: All parts welcome. It also tells us: No bad parts. We can work with our parts to change how they show up. The 6 F’s of IFS can help you do this. Parts can unburden, take on new, more productive roles, be part of an inner family that is harmonious, and be led by Self and with lots of Self Energy in the system. For more on IFS, check out this post on Michal Pasterski’s site for a nice write up.
Additionally personality parts models include Mind C.R.E.W.™ and DISC DISCO®. Both other these acknowledge 4 common personality parts, their superhero powers, how they act when in a threat-based body physiology, and what “shields” they may have picked up in the face of significate threats and traumas.
Relating to Your Personality Parts helps you S.Q.U.A.S.H. via:
S — Stepping back, perhaps into into Self Energy, or perhaps by recognizing that a thought is one of your parts helpfully/”helpfully” chiming in
Q — Querying which part is present and what it wants you to know
U — Understanding the part’s intent and protective or otherwise helpful role
A — Attending with curiosity, respect and compassion rather than control
S — Syncing with the part on the current reality and updated roles or next steps
H — Harmonizing the inner system under Self leadership
Tip 2: Havening Touch®
Havening Touch® helps you S.Q.U.A.S.H. by working at a subcellular level to uninstall threat-based encodings and also supports the installation of new encodings for well-being.
Learn about Havening Touch®:
Try it!
One of the reasons I love Havening Touch® is because of how fast acting it is and how permanent the results are. One of the ways we can try to change ourselves at the core (or near the core) is to try to hammer in affirmations. But when we affirm something, as loudly as we think it and command with, there can be part of ourself that’s like “Nope, that’s not true.” Then we hammer, hammer, hammer and hope someday that we will truly believe and embody this affirmation. For example, one of my clients wanted to call in the one. Though she had been using an affirmation “I am calling in the one,” it didn’t feel true to her. These were empty words. With Havening Touch, there is a protocol developed by Tony Burgess where we start with “What if…” Thus I had her start with: “What if I can call in the one?” Then, combining with other protocols (e.g. Dr. Kate Truitt’s Creating Possibilities Protocol) I had her move to “I can call in the one,” but then checked in to see how true it felt. We progressed on to “I will call in the one,” and “I am calling in the one,” only when it felt right and true for her. Depending on the context and how true the statements feel, I adapt the cues (add in a few more, as you can see below), but these are the general steps:
- What if… (Eg “What if I’m confident?”)
- I can…
(If they don’t seem to believe they can, but I guess it’s likely that they have in the past, I ask them “Have you ever felt confident?” If they say yes, I invite them to recall that time, bringing in the feeling and as many senses as they can.) - I will…
(If they don’t seem to believe that they will, I use another gem — a prompt Tony Burgess poses in his book, Beliefs and How to Change them for Good, which is “It’s easier than I think because…“ - I am….
Havening helps you S.Q.U.A.S.H. via:
S — Stepping back from the activating thought by using grounding tools
Q — Querying to check initial Subjective Units of Distress (SUDs) related to your target (a negative thought in this case)
U — Understanding that the distress reflects encoded threat-based learning rather than present-moment danger; With Havening it is not about the WHY behind this encoding. We activate the felt sense experience so that we can uninstall the encoding.
A — Attending to the body through Havening Techniques®, which includes specific distraction techniques (that keep the smarty pants brain occupied so the delta waves can do their healing)
S — Syncing periodically to to track SUDs (until the target no longer activates a high SUDs score)
H — Harmonizing the system by installing well-being-related encodings at the end of the session (often through a positive feeling, or supportive — actually feels true — affirmation)
Tip 3: Understand the 3 Main Physiological States and Where You are At
Physiological state awareness helps you S.Q.U.A.S.H. because depending on state our body systems and parts show up in different ways. With this tool you would first Step Back and notice your state.
Before we can even perceive what’s up, the physiological state that our body shifts us into precedes the story that we have about the world. It’s going to affect what parts pop up too. If your story about the world is one from YELLOW or RED, then these are not going to be good stories… or good thoughts. The world is an unsafe crappy place when we’re in YELLOW, and it’s an isolating, unsafe, hopeless place when we are in RED. If you are in YELLOW or RED, there will be diminished blood flow to the smarty pants brain.
Note that GREEN / YELLOW / RED is based on polyvagal theory and you can quickly learn about these states in this short video series. You can also check out more of my posts on this topic here. You can also read a nice article on cultivating resilience here.
Polyvagal state awareness helps you S.Q.U.A.S.H. via:
S — Stepping back from the thought by identifying the current physiological state as GREEN, YELLOW, or RED
Q — Querying how state is shaping which parts are active and what story they are telling
U — Understanding that thoughts and behaviors change with state
A — Attending to the body and its need for a path back to safety
S — Syncing regulation strategies to the current state rather than applying one-size-fits-all solutions
H — Harmonizing the inner system as safety increases and parts naturally shift toward cooperation, flexibility, and their superpowers
A Note on Discernment
I do want to point out the importance of discernment. If there’s a negative thought, a negative phrasing or frame that you can simply shift and that feels good, by all means go for it. This is another post I wrote about trying on some thought shifts for size. If it fits, wear it. If changing the phrasing in your head sticks, wonderful. But if it doesn’t fit, e.g. if you are forcing a thought and the rest of your body is cringing, labeling it spam, or another thought pops up to tell you how stupid this new one is, my advice is: Resist that whack-a-mole, forceful urge and try something else!
I offer the same advice when it comes to affirmations. Yes, there is research to tell us affirmations are helpful, but if you find that the affirmations don’t seem to be creating a shift in your emotional state, or if they feel hollow or forced, it might be a sign that you should try a different means to help you embody whatever it is you are trying to embody.
So let’s rebrand what we mean by “squashing” thoughts.
S.Q.U.A.S.H. Summary
S — Step Back
Pause. Maybe sigh. Begin by calming the nervous system so parts also have room to step back from urgency or threat-mode. Allow for your deepest, truest Self to lead the way (as the clamor of parts simmers down). Self is the calm, grounded, curious capacity that can listen without reacting, hold pain without overwhelm, and relate to parts without trying to chastise, change, or subjugate them. Regulate the body directly using bottom-up methods such as touch, breath, or any tool you like As physiology shifts to a safety mode, parts show up differently, and our thoughts are noticeably different too!
Q — Query
Ask which part is speaking and what idea, concern, or warning it is bringing forward. Parts only ever have helpful intent, so it is important to understand how your parts believe they are helping you. This brings us to U…
U — Understand
Stay with the part to learn why it holds this concern and what it has been trying to protect you from, or how it is trying to help you. It is worth restating: Parts only ever have helpful intent. This step emphasizes curiosity, compassion, and relationship-building — all of which tend to produce far better outcomes than inner force or correction. I also like to say that the biological spacesuit and all of our parts are only ever helpful or “helpful.” The quotes around the second helpful there intend to show that the “help” is actually not so helpful in reality. E.g. Some parts “help” us by distracting us from pain (e.g. binge eating, drinking alcohol, binge watching, scrolling, etc.).
A — Attend
Attend to the part’s concerns without forcing it to do anything. It might not get solved right now, but that’s okay.
S — Sync
Check in with the part and agree on a next step, a pause, or a temporary plan. This is where True Self acknowledges, “I hear you, and you don’t have to handle this alone.
H — Harmonize
Support cooperation within the inner team under Self leadership. Parts no longer need to compete, over-function, or stay locked into threat-based roles. Each part can contribute in a way that supports the whole system, with True Self leading the way.